Baseball Limericks

Albert Pujols

by TheUmpire
If pitching a shutout is one of your goals
Show batters your pinpoint control
Finesse them beaucoup
But whatever you do
Don’t hang a curveball near Albert Pujols

Bill Veeck

by BennettO
Leave it to Bill Veeck to finally fidget
To get attendance to reach double digits
Fireworks, “Ladies’ Day”
An organist and half-price pay
And to bat he would send up a midget

Montreal Expos Outfielders

by BennettO
Remember that outfield that was supposed to be awesome
With Valentine, Cromartie and Dawson?
Cromartie went Japanese
Dawson wore out his knees
And Valentine broke a few hearts so they tossed him

Philly Fans

by BennettO
In Philly their fans would boo Jesus
Asking “What’s he done lately to please us?”
“We’ve heard all the loud raves
Of how Jesus saves
So did he blow that late lead to appease us?”

Ernie Banks

by BennettO
When you ask Mr. Cub Ernie Banks
Asking “What’s he done lately to please us?”
“How could you play with inferior ranks?”
What with two MVP’s
Five hundred homers to please?
He just said “Let’s play two” and gave thanks

Roger Craig

by BennettO
Roger Craig taught to all the split finger
So that batters would not blast a dinger
If he saw an outsider
Toss a fastball or slider
He was thrown off the team as a ringer

Derek Jeter

by TheUmpire
There once was a Yankee named Jeter
Who proclaimed he was not a tax cheater
“I owe no more than the
next guy from Florida
who knows how to handle a heater!”

Barry Bonds

by TheUmpire
There’s a slugger in baseball named Barry
Who hits homers so often it’s scary
But he gets annoyed
When you ask him ’bout ’roids
If you’re around him you’d better be wary

Curt Schilling

by TheUmpire
There once was a pitcher named Schilling
Whose Game 6 performance was thrilling
But many an eye
Thought it red dye
Not the blood it was claimed he was spilling

Alex Rodriguez

by SamM
There once was a Yankee named Alex
Who neared the home run apex
He took his glove and his lumber
On holiday throughout October
Yet George kept sending the paychecks

Bud Selig

by SamM
There once was a man named Selig
Who vied to be baseball’s bigwig
He couldn’t rely on class
To be among the top brass
So he slimed his way into the gig

The Minors in 2010

by TheUmpire
For future autograph signers
It is no longer fun in the minors
HGH shown the door
Maple bats are no more
And we are already hearing some whiners

Ryan Howard for Albert Pujols

by TheUmpire
Albert Pujols traded to Philly?
I imagine nothing more silly
Plus when he returned
To the city he spurned
His reception would be a bit chilly

Gaylord Perry

by SamM
There once was pitcher named Perry
Of whom many an umpire was wary
If he didn’t throw a spitter
To each and every hitter
Then there must also be a Tooth Fairy

Sammy Sosa

by SamM
There once was a slugger named Sosa
Who could whack it across The Ponderosa
They took his steroids away
And the very next day
He was batting like Omarosa

Spaceman

by Scottie
Astro-turf was the bane of his days.
The DH caused him endless dismays.
Though a purist of sorts,
He loved grass (by reports),
Bill Lee never ceased to amaze.

Ichiro

by Scottie
There was a young man named Suzuki
As swift as an unleashed Saluki
His only true obstacle?
He found English impossible!
But it was baseball or acting Kabuki

An A’s Fan

by StaunchSombrero
In the eighties I followed the A’s
Bleacher seats and a beer-induced haze
Canseco, LaRussa
Now it’s hard to get used ta
How badly they are nowadays

Bert Blyleven

by TommyT
There once was a hurler named Blyleven
Whose curveball descended from heaven
Getting into the Hall
Was all wait and all stall
Currently double minimum plus seven

Satchel

by Scottie
Satchel Paige of historic acclaim,
Who threw baseballs as if they were flame,
Through no fault of his own,
But because of skin tone,
Was denied his true place in the game.

Number 45

by TommyT
The pitcher – nickname of Gibby
Intimidator? That’s not a fibby
Glaring from the mound
Fastball speed of sound
Gonna put one right in your ribby

Roger Clemens

by SamM
There once was a pitcher named Roger
Who played until he was an old codger
Many would later deduce
He on some kind of juice
Yet he proved an effective truth dodger

The North Side Cries Again

by StaunchSombrero
The Cubs win The Series this year!
Redemption, fans vow, is quite near
Hope springs eternal
But the pain is infernal:
No shot at the playoffs, I fear.

Barry Bonds and Defiance

by PhilosopherStone
Barry Bonds played his last with the Giants
Though not totally in full compliance
With biceps steroidal
He hit that spheroidal
With a certain amount of defiance

Kent Tekulve

by SamM
There once was a reliever named Tekulve
You young fellas might ask, who’s he?
Bespectacled and thin as a rail
His sidearm seemed to hail
All the way from Tallahassee

Bernie Carbo

by SamM
There once was a slugger named Carbo
An in-the-clutch swinging maestro
High as a kite
Every single night
His homers would land in the Congo

Pete Rose

by SamM
There once was a Red named Rose
Who had a myriad of foes
Neither the Mets second B
Nor A. Bartlett Giamatti
Ever thought him the nicest of fellows

Bill Lee

by SamM
There once was a pitcher named Lee
A mystery from which planet came he
Whether part of the human race
Or a descendent from outer space
His antics will live through history

Don Mattingly

by SamM
Up to the plate stepped Mattingly
Twirling his bat enchantingly
If hitting is an art
Then Don was a Mozart
Or maybe a Rembrandt, you see

Danny Ainge

by SamM
I don’t want to be here, said Ainge
Methinks it’s time for a change
Rather than make double plays
For the lowly Blue Jays
I’ll be shooting from three-point range

2012 MLB Salaries

by TheUmpire
Salaries up four percent
Whilst the rest of us struggle for rent
The min’s half a mil
Yet we go see them still
Attendance continues ascent

Rakuten’s Most Golden Eagle?

by TheUmpire
Andruw Jones signed a deal in Japan
To perk up his career if he can
His last five seasons were bad
So I’m sure he’ll be glad
If he can once again be “the man”

Ozzie Smith

by TheUmpire
Up the middle the Oz was a wiz
Backflips and DPs were his biz
Other shortstops shed tears
’Cuz for 13 straight years
Every Gold Glove awarded was his

Carlton Fisk Burglarized

by TheUmpire
The police didn’t see whilst patrollin’
Pudge’s collectible coins being stolen
Always a risk
Trying to steal off Fisk
Many baserunners still need consolin’

A-Rod Linked

by TheUmpire
The Miami New Times has inked
That A-Rod is once again linked
To performance enhancers
No definitive answers
But Yankees must feel hoodwinked

Spring Training

by TheUmpire
In all of the world of sport
The four words of highest import
Uttered each February
As sweet as a cherry
“Pitchers and catchers report”

Josh Booty Redux

by TheUmpire
MLB’s “The Next Knuckler” show
Revealed who had the best throw
Former first-rounder Josh Booty
Beat out Doug Flutie
So to D-Backs spring training he’ll go

Skydiving Brian Cashman

by TheUmpire
Brian Cashman did something insane
Jumped out of a functioning plane
Not completely outstanding
A terrible landing
Left the Yankees GM in some pain

Tim McCarver Retires

by TheUmpire
McCarver says he’s gonna quit
Not an unwelcome obit
For the last 18 years
He’s been noise in my ears
His announcing gives me a fit

Five WP in One Inning

by TheUmpire
Cubs hurlers to start digging ditches?
One inning, five wild pitches!
Just as surreal
As watching Ankiel
Suffer from similar glitches

Prince Harry in Harlem

by TheUmpire
Prince Harry went long ball in Harlem
And whilst not exactly stardom
Having skills such as that
He could swing his next bat
With the horrible Miami Marlins

MLB 2014 Opening Series

by TheUmpire
Sydney will be the scene
For the first time it’s ever been
Aussies will wonder
What’s happening Down Under
When MLB opens in 2014

Homer Bailey

by TheUmpire
Homer Bailey relied on his splitter
With a masterful bit of a flitter
To Giants batters transfix
And go perfect through six
Notching his second no-hitter

Tim Hudson Breaks Ankle

by TheUmpire
A routine play so often rehearsed
Tim Hudson went to go cover first
Eric Young was called out
But Hudson’s future’s in doubt
Broken ankle now needs to be nursed

4000 and Counting

by TheUmpire
Ichiro reached 4000 hits
Shows no sign of calling it quits
Pete Rose is on top
Ty Cobb the next stop
Suzuki will keep up his blitz

Baseball Strikes Out of 2020

by TheUmpire
Though lobbied for by cognoscenti
With impassioned appeals aplenty
It is with sad heart I report
Baseball will not be a sport
In the Olympic Games of 2020

A-Rod New Grand Slam Leader

by TheUmpire
It occurred as a matter of course
For such an explosive offensive force
The home-run tsunami
Hit his 24th salami
A-Rod has surpassed Iron Horse

No Mo No Mo

by TheUmpire
Hottest Sandman in the Sahara
Dominant cutter of his era
Saved six fifty two
For the Bronx Zoo
Farewell Mariano Rivera

Boston Wins 2013 WS at Fenway

by TheUmpire
The Red Sox produced with elate
World Series crown number eight
MVP for Ortiz
His hits were the keys
To ending 95 years of home wait

2013 AL MVP – Miguel Cabrera

by TheUmpire
The Tigers’ Miguel Cabrera
Continued his offensive terror
Hitting .348
Is certainly great
Just wish defensive miscues were rarer

2013 NL MVP – Andrew McCutchen

by TheUmpire
Cutch pushed the Bucs into postseason
Clutch hitting a part of the reason
And baserunners dismissed
By eleven assists
To dis the Pirates this year would be treason

2013 AL Cy Young – Max Scherzer

by TheUmpire
With a win-loss of 21-3
AL’s best pitcher must certainly be
Detroit starter Max Scherzer
Turned each batter into a curser
With a point nine seven oh WHIP

2013 NL Cy Young – Clayton Kershaw

by TheUmpire
Dodgers ace Clayton Kershaw
Turned sluggers into bourgeois
A 1.83 ERA
And 232 K
Carved up hitters like a chainsaw

These Three Kings

by TheUmpire
Everyone’s new favorite jocks
Are Torre, La Russa, and Cox
Now Hall of Famers
With zero disclaimers
Always considered as locks

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